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Monday, 21 April 2014

Transcendence - Rotten Tomatoes - Uughhhh - WTF

Transcendence - Rotten Tomatoes:




'via Blog this'





Oh Dear. I am not a movie critic, in other words I do not bash movies just because. I wanted to add a review to rotten tomatoes but it would have been unfair so I will do it on my blog. This movie can be described in one word: Ughhhhhhhh!

A door is stopped open with a keyboard, the houses are overgrown with ivy, young people are cycling on some old bicycles. The perfect starting scene for a flashback! in a mere 12 years we are back to today. Dr. Will Caster creates half a Faraday cage using  a quadrillion dollars worth of copper for privacy in the garden instead of switching of the phone or leaving it in the house. He then gets dressed while moaning about getting dressed and just to show how much he disgusted at dressing up he leaves his dirty smelly vest on.  Character development I guess.

He does his pretty good speech in a very low tone of voice about how AI, once activated, will very quickly become 10 times, no a hundred, no a thousand times as intelligent as all humans since time memorial. Skynet all over again but this time in a single AI, oh wait, that is Skynet. So this geek stands up and ask him if he wants to create a god. Dr Will responds, is that not what we all want? The scene is set!

After the speech we catch a glimpse of an albino girl, no wait, it seems like a wicked bottle blond. She must be the badie! Nope, Dr will gets shot at point blank in the chest and then the geeky guy shoots himself. Ughhh. Wait wait, no need to worry, it was just a flesh wound, no no, a shoulder scrape. So all is ok with the world. In the mean time several "labs" have been "hit" and many years of research lost because, I don't know? Just because ok.  AI is demonstrated to us. The FBI / CIA instantly trust-able guy gets instant access to all info. So Mr AI can you prove your are self aware? Why sure said the computer, "can you prove you are self aware mr human?" WTF.

Fast forward this rubbish. Dr Will has radiation poisoning from the magic bullet giving him a while to upload himself as he will die anyway. The wife wants to upload him (why? who cares, shut up and watch the movie) and gets a colleague with a delayed sense of responsibility and ethics to assist in stealing (well, more like just taking) the quantum cores from a secure facility but no one cares anyway. Within minutes she turns and old abandoned building with no internet into a secure lab with a full OR facility to take care, ie, implant probes into Dr Will. Dr Will dies, awwww. Or did he?

No he's alive! He is like Stephan Falken (do you want to play a game?) and can talk via a command line! Wait there is no sound? No matter, Evelyn, the wife that wears translucent tops (oh sorry, the same top throughout the movie) with an extra layer to hide her boobs is actually a computer wizard! She makes a gesture on the keyboard and yes! Lo and behold, Johnny can speak to us! What about seeing him? Yes! another gesture and the futuristic stereo web cam with three lenses are interfaced! Whoo hoo, this rocks! All is not well though, Johnny is discombobulated. Dr Evelyn suggests a checkdisk and gets ready to gesture the keyboard. Wait! Johnny decided to do a checkdisk himself! FAT32 is a real problem for big files. Uhhm I think the system is running linux though as we see a lot of ls -la's and top and htops. Anyhoo, the scan disk worked and now johnny is rewriting or optimising his code from php to groovy on rails. Yes! He is self aware and know that php has limitations!

Dr Max has seen enough. He is about to "pull the plug" Evelyn tells him to piss off! Just go, begone you ethics bound spoil sports. In a bar he drinks a ginger ale and the wicked bottle blond makes awkward small talk. Leave me alone! as he walks off he gets clobbered and taken to a "facility" run by the wicked bottle blond. We expect great things from the antagonist.

Oh no, the righteous or baddies (we do not know who to empathise with yet) is getting close to the makeshift lab. Johnny says  "I need more power get me online." (sick). Now where is that cable guy when you need him. Wait a minute. Evelyn takes a receiving satellite dish point it out the window and wallah! We have a high speed internet link transmitting through the satellite LNB! WTF.

So now Johnny is everywhere and Evelyn's account has grown by a few zeros. Well enough to buy a whole town and the people in the town. We now see truck after truck arriving with computer goodies. And poof!, we have an underground lab 5 stories down. Queue Chinese guy to make shit work in the lab. One guy gets hurt by thugs. No matter, Johnny injects him with nano-bots. Fixed and strong as an ox, well 50 oxen! Brainwave! if nano-bots can fix stuff then they can create a Dr Will. Poof! Dr Will is back and snogging Evelyn.

Enough. The wicked bottle blond is the hero, she wants to save humanity. Evelyn is the baddie as she wants to change the world. Max creates a virus. Morgan freeman does what he does. Johnny goes rouge with nanobots. He removes CO2 from the atmosphere, he replants forests, he cleans the earth's water sources. The virus is uploaded via Evelyn as she has realised her wicked ways. The virus reverses everything. Yeah!, the Earth is a cesspool again!

The virus has made all earthicans dumb again. They have thrown away their old Blackberry's and ancient HTC's and they are ridding bicycles and not pruning vines. We are back to the opening scene again. Engineers can't seem to get electricity working any more as there are no computers or calculators. Doomed I tells yah, doomed!    

One word: Ughhhhhhhhhhhh  

Transcendence (2014)

TOMATOMETER
20

In his directorial debut, ace cinematographer Wally Pfister remains a distinctive visual stylist, but Transcendence's thought-provoking themes exceed the movie's narrative grasp.

95

MY RATING

Movie Info

Sci-Fi Thriller. Dr. Will Caster (Johnny Depp) is the foremost researcher in the field of Artificial Intelligence, working to create a sentient machine that combines the collective intelligence of everything ever known with the full range of human emotions. His highly controversial experiments have made him famous, but they have also made him the prime target of anti-technology extremists who will do whatever it takes to stop him. However, in their attempt to destroy Will, they inadvertently ... More
PG-13
 
 Jack Paglen
 Apr 25, 2014 Wide
£11.2M
Warner Bros. Pictures - Official SiteExternal Icon

Cast

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