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Friday, 14 August 2015

Corporations and capitalism



Traditional Capitalism
  • You have two cows.
  • You sell one and buy a bull.
  • Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
  • You sell them and retire on the income.


Venture Capitalism
  • You have two cows.
  • You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you can get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
  • The milk rights of the cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
  • The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


An Italian Corporation
  • You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
  • You decide to have lunch.


A French Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


An American Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
  • Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.


A Swiss Corporation
  • You have 5,000 cows.
  • None of them belong to you.
  • You charge the owner for storing them.


An Irish Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • One of them is a horse.


An Australian Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • Business seems pretty good.
  • You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A Chinese Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You have 300 people milking them.
  • You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
  • You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


An Indian Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You worship them.


An Iraqi Corporation
  • Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
  • You tell them you have none.
  • Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
  • You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.


You Have a British Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • Both are mad.


A Greek Corporation
  • You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
  • You eat both of them.
  • The bank call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
  • The IMF loans you two cows.
  • You eat both of them.
  • The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
  • You are out getting a haircut.


Communism
  • You have two cows.
  • The state takes both and gives you some milk.


Socialism
  • You have two cows.
  • You give one to your neighbour.


Fascism
  • You have two cows.
  • The state takes both and sells you some milk.


Bureaucratism
  • You have two cows.
  • The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


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